Neurodivergent women are furious

A neurodivergent woman's journey from anger, to explosion, grief and despair and emerging self-forgiveness

What is anger? Why are neurodivergent women angry? How can this anger be useful? Is repressing anger making us ill? Why is it time women stopped hiding their anger and got mad? In an age of rage, how can we channel our anger to do good in the world?

The angry woman syndrome

“Specific common denominators in the angry woman syndrome set it apart from any established present-day classification. These symptoms are periodic outbursts of unprovoked anger, marital maladjustment, serious suicide attempts, proneness to abuse of alcohol and drugs, a morbidly oriented critical attitude to people and a contrary obsessive need to excel in all endeavours, with an intense need for neatness and punctuality. This constant striving for perfection is their undoing. Three cases are presented along with the corollary syndrome of their suffering male counterparts who react to the anger (« WTF) by an intensification of their weak masculine drives. Treatment is at best palliative and is usually resisted.”
(Rickles, 1971)

Oh, how I laughed. Sounds a lot like female AuDHD, doesn’t it?

*Really* looking forward to reading this.

The modern-day angry woman

Nine years later, in 1980, ADHD would first appear in the DSM-4 along with borderline personality disorder (BPD). ADHD was a diagnosis reserved for naughty school boys and BPD, angry adult women. According to the DSM-4, BPD is characterised by

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

5 out of 9 symptoms were required for a diagnosis of BPD. BPD is the #1 misdiagnosis for female ADHD, autism and co-occurring CPTSD. BPD is diagnosed in three times as many women. BPD women are chronically victimised. Most of these women report having been sexually abused as children. Around half will be sexually re-victimised as adults.

Today, I’m going to explain why neurodivergent women misdiagnosed with BPD or modern-day “Angry Woman Syndrome” are rightfully angry, why repressing this anger is deeply unhealthy, and why every ADHD and autistic woman has the right to be mad.

What is anger?

Anger is an intense negative emotion characterised by strong feelings of upset, hostility, antagonism, annoyance, or frustration in response to a perceived loss of control or freedom, unfairness or being wronged.

😡😡😡😡😡

How is anger helpful?

Humans often demonise negative emotions, such as anger, treating them as shameful or as signifying a lack of emotional intelligence. Angry women, fuck, we swear too much and lack decorum*. However, according to positive psychology, the opposite is true: anger is a valuable human emotion that prompts us to take action in order to restore fairness.

Repressing anger is not a sign of emotional intelligence or emotional regulation - in fact, it can cause emotional dysregulation. Expressing our anger in a healthy and timely way can help us assert and maintain healthy boundaries and challenge harmful behaviour.

Anger is a moral and energising emotion that motivates human beings to solve problems - it fuels creativity. This world has a lot of problems that need creative problem-solving.

*See this study for how swearing increases pain tolerance. Thank me later.

Anger is a reaction to power inequality

“Why is it that a child sometimes does the opposite of what he is told?”

In 1966, Brehm argued that anger and resistance are a normal reaction to power inequality, which universally affects human beings called “psychological reactance”, and is not a symptom of ADHD or autism, disobedience or “demand avoidance”.

According to psychological reactance theory, people react to a perceived loss of control or freedom with the emotion of anger and active resistance to demands. Put simply, human beings desire autonomy. We hate being told what to do and will actively resist power and control. Neurodivergent women are no exception.

Take a moment to reflect on how you felt during the pandemic when faced with lockdowns, restrictions, and any feelings of anger, frustration, and annoyance. Or how you feel about the behaviours, decision-making, and proposed policies of male politicians such as Boris, Sunak, and Trump. Is that “justice sensitivity”, or is that psychological reactance and anger you are feeling in reaction to feeling controlled or wronged?

This is how human beings universally react to perceived unfairness and power inequality. Why might neurodivergent women who have been chronically victimised, often sexually victimised, feel angry? Is our emotional response to this BS really, to quote the DSM-4, “inappropriate anger?”. Perhaps we women are sick of being dismissed, invalidated, victim-blamed, misdiagnosed, oppressed, controlled and abused by a world run by men. This is a matter of power inequality. We are rightfully angry.

Add me to your reading list if you do not believe the statements made in this article.

Why do neurodivergent women feel rightfully angry?

ADHD and autistic women are missed, misdiagnosed, mismedicated and later diagnosed than men. 3x as many boys and men are diagnosed than women due to gender bias, giving them disproportionate access to medications and support. Many women report being misdiagnosed with BPD, bipolar, schizophrenia or OCD and overmedicated and subject to “Medical gaslighting”. The control and abuse of Britney Spears, a woman who is ADHD, continues to be my reference point for how damaging this can be.

There is currently a global wait crisis for a medical diagnosis of ADHD and autism. According to estimates, 80% of autistic women have not been diagnosed by age 18. Women who were missed in childhood face several-year waits on the NHS or up to 3000GBP for a private diagnosis. Without a medical diagnosis, women cannot access ADHD medications or support, leaving many struggling with unmanaged symptoms and unable to access services.

None of this is fair.

Women have historically been excluded from medical research because of gender bias in health. In fact, women's inclusion in clinical trials was not a federal law in the United States until 1993. This disproportionately impacts neurodivergent women. Female ADHD and autism have the highest physical and mental health comorbidity rates of almost any condition. Epilepsy, PCOS, diabetes and MS notwithstanding, as with any of these conditions, you are highly likely to be ADHD.

In addition to the gender health data gap, unconscious gender bias amongst healthcare clinicians continues to ensure that those of us with chronic health conditions are sent home told that our “pain is in our heads” and with an antidepressant prescription. Whereas men who report a physical illness are given earlier and disproportionate access to diagnosis and treatment. Neurodivergent women are twice dismissed.

Then, there is the matter of gendered violence against neurodivergent women. Without early recognition, diagnosis or support, ADHD and autistic girls and women are at high risk of victimisation, bullying, exploitation and abuse - especially sexual abuse. We subsequently experience high levels of mental illness, school dropout, long-term unemployment, homelessness and suicide. Autistic women without an intellectual disability/learning disability die by suicide 13x more so than their peers and more so than neurodivergent men.

Women are dying.

How do we feel about this?

What happens when we repress anger?

There is a saying, “Women get sad, and men get mad.” Research has consistently found that women experience anger as frequently and as intensely as men. Men who feel angry are more likely to overtly express aggression, although this should not suggest that women are not equally incensed.

Neurodivergent people often identify as experiencing a strong sense of “justice sensitivity” or righteous anger. ADHD and autistic boys and men can exhibit aggressive outbursts due to emotional dysregulation, sensory overwhelm and difficulties communicating. This is less commonly seen in neurodivergent girls and women. We push it down. Angry women are not socially acceptable.

Whilst boys and men are more likely to express their anger, girls and women repress it and turn their anger inward on themselves. We quickly get frustrated, angry or annoyed with ourselves and struggle with self-forgiveness. This is harmful, not helpful. Neurodivergent women report high levels of emotional repression, negative self-talk, self-blame, self-criticism, self-medication with substances, self-injurious behaviour, and suicidality.

Internalised anger is a key sex difference in female ADHD. Recent research has shown ADHD females are higher in anger rumination and males higher in overt aggression (Isaksson et al., 2024). Studies have linked anger rumination in BPD with increased impulsivity and emotional dysregulation (Olivia et al., 2023; Mitola et al., 2024). Anger rumination has been linked to difficulties with forgiveness in both neurotypical and BPD people (Contreras et al., 2021; Fuente-Anuncibay et al., 2021; Peters et al., 2018)

When I asked a group of neurodivergent women who are currently coaching with me what the impact of repressing their anger was on their physical and mental health, they told me - intense pain, dissociation, chronic exhaustion and debilitating depression. The group concluded it is not healthy to hold in your anger 👏👏👏. The longer you hold it in or try to avoid feeling negative emotions, the more likely you are to implode, resulting in emotional meltdowns, verbal outbursts and self-destructive behaviour.

How wise.

What happens when we let the anger out?

Not too long ago, I was reading police and medical reports written about me as a teen who had been wrongfully victimised, abused and silenced. I was preparing a case to prosecute and seek government compensation through the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority. When I read one of the reports, I was so angry that I threw an orange at the wall.

It felt AMAZING.

When I told my GP, he smiled and said to me.

”There is the fire.”

Oh, look, it is me! Volcano Leanne has erupted after years of dormancy. 2024 KaBOOM.

They say that anger will not abate until blame is returned where it belongs and justice has been restored. In the end, I decided not to prosecute my abusers or pursue compensation. There are other ways to seek justice.

I do not believe in the Western justice system - all evidence considered suggests it does little to reduce recidivism or to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. If anything, it perpetuates the cycle of violence; prisoners are highly likely to be re-victimised by other inmates and leave more broken than they entered the system. Hurt people, hurt people. I think we have a lot to learn from the Nordics, who promote restorative justice and offer rehabilitation and therapy to offenders with impressively low rates of reoffending. No good will come from punishing my abusers or seeking vengeance.

Instead, I decided I would bravely speak up about what happened to me, motivate neurodivergent women to action and seek to create gender justice. I have since been using the fire I feel inside of me to fuel my creativity and co-create the first strengths-based ADHD and autism self-identification service for adult women, non-binary and AFAB. While it has been far from easy, and I have a lot of challenges ahead of me, I am going to keep fighting to get it across the finish line.

Should we forgive those who harmed us?

An alternative to seeking justice is practising forgiveness. Should we forgive those who have harmed us? How you choose to process that anger and heal is your personal journey.

During my discovery research, I found that neurodivergent women are low in both spirituality and forgiveness and have difficulty letting things go. Women are carrying so much anger on their backs. I am no exception. According to the VIA survey, forgiveness ranks as my lowest character strength, so I’m not likely to be your role model for forgiveness. For a guide written by someone who can walk the talk in forgiveness, it might be best to start here.

Every attempt I have made to forgive the people who have harmed me has failed. I don’t know how many times I have sat with the list of people who have victimised me, trying to practice the 9 steps to forgiveness before I feel righteous anger. Whilst I know that in almost every perpetrator of abuse is a former child victim, it in no way justifies their abuse of me.

Beneath our adult "justice sensitivity" lies a history of relational trauma and unprocessed anger. I would love to let go of my anger and the pain I feel daily. They say that the process of forgiveness is for you, the survivor, not the perpetrator. Forgiveness does not come with pressure to reconcile with the person. From bitter experience, I have learned that reconciling with some individuals is unwise and, frankly, dangerous.

Every time my younger self chose to forgive those who hurt me, I was reeled back into another cycle of abuse, leading to more pain and depression. This has led to over a decade of familial estrangement in order to protect myself from further harm. I continue to wonder which is worse: the grief of losing my entire family who are still alive or the relief of escaping their rage and being alone in the world.

While I may never be the voice of radical forgiveness, I do want to turn my pain into purpose. I hope to be a source of courage and inspiration for other neurodivergent women who, like me, struggle with toxic shame. I know I cannot change the past or control the actions of those who have hurt me. But I want to emphasise this: I can be a better person who strives to make a positive difference by using all the lessons I have learned along the way. Trauma can facilitate post-traumatic growth, not just post-traumatic stress.

Learning self-forgiveness

It is hard to show a strength of character with others if you are unable to practice with yourself. Neurodivergent women lack forgiveness not just for others but for themselves. To that end, I want to invite every ADHD and autistic woman, non-binary and AFAB, to stop blaming and berating yourself for past and current mistakes and relational difficulties and start practising self-forgiveness with me. Here is how

The next time you begin to self-blame or berate yourself, stop and ask yourself

1. Why was I/am I more vulnerable as a neurodivergent woman or non-binary individual, and how might this have contributed to the situation? How can I make myself less vulnerable in future?

2. What was/is happening for me or causing me pain at the time that would lead me to struggle to cope or behave in that way? What would I say to a friend who is being self-critical?

3. In what ways was I/am I inadequately supported or hindered by a world designed for neurotypicals? Where would I make accommodations to recognise the unmet needs of others?

4. How might my ADHD or autistic brain face challenges with this more than neurotypicals? Where can I demonstrate empathy and understanding and practice forgiveness with others?

5. What can I learn from this? How can I transform this into an opportunity for learning and growth? What can I share generously with others?

6. What are my strengths? How can I leverage those to move forward?

7. How can I practice self-compassion? Be kind to yourself. Please show yourself the same empathy and compassion you would a friend.

Life is a journey. None of us have it all figured out. If you, like me, are that female volcano, know that your anger is better out than in.

Remember, your ADHD or autistic brain is wired differently. You are different, not disordered. You are a hypersensitive human being who is designed to tackle the problems in this world.

We need more neurodivergent women stepping up to say fuck no. This isn’t okay. Get mad and use that anger to do something purposeful.

About the author

Hello, I am Leanne. I am a late-diagnosed neurodivergent (woman!), Positive Psychology Coach, and the founder of More Human. More Human is on a mission to close the gender gap in ADHD and autism recognition and diagnosis, widen access to good support, and create equal opportunity.

More Human are launching the first strengths-based ADHD and autism self-identification service for ADHD and autism in adult women, non-binary and AFAB. Over the past several months, I have been working with what is now 267 neurodivergent women to conduct research into their lived experience, co-design, and test a breakthrough service. As a brave survivor diagnosed with CPTSD, I feel privileged to lead this work.

I need your help to keep going.

3 ways you can support my work and help me deliver this breakthrough service

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3. Book 1-1 positive psychology coaching with me - see my LinkedIn references. I’m awesome. (UK funding is available through Access to Work)

Thank you for your support.

Leanne.